I don't know what to do anymore….PLEASE help?
Ok. I have been with my husband for a total of 3 years but we have only been married 2 months and I don't know what to do anymore. We had to go to couples' counseling before we even got married because our relationship was in serious trouble. We went between 6-7 months and at the end things really did start to get better so I decided to marry him (I had called off the wedding earlier so we could go to couples' counseling). He is 23 years old but doesn't like to do anything around the house unless he wants to do it. Examples of things he doesn't do so I have too: make the bed, start the dishwasher, take out the dogs, put away clean dishes, clean (in general), take out the trash, or put away his clothes. He leaves piles of clean/dirty clothes everywhere. In our old house he would throw his dirty clothes on the floor in the guest room and the clean ones on the bed in the guest room (therefore we never had anyway from out of town stay over). And he will leave cups with drinks everywhere in the house. There are at least 5-6 drinks throughout the house and some have sour and curddled milk in them. Our counselor said instead of cleaning them up I should just them in the house to see if he would clean them up but he doesn't. They just sit there. When we are out in public he always walks at least 2-3 feet ahead of me anywhere we go (makes me feel like he doesn't respect me). Ugh. And our finances: I pay for Satellite (), Internet (), SCE&G (around 5), Water (), My car (0), My Car Insurance (3), and Groceries (around 0 per month). TOTAL: 8. He pays for his car (4), his insurance (5), our cell phones (0), and a medical bill of his (0). TOTAL: 9. I know there is only about 0 difference in what we pay for but he makes at least 0 more a month than I do. Anytime I ask if he can pay for part of a bill or some grocieries he always says "Yeah, I guess" with a tone that means he doesn't want to. The other night he didn't want to pay for some freaking CHICKEN. I mean, come on. I have tried to talk to him about how some of the things he does really hurts my feelings but he doesn't ever stop doing them. We never have sex (maybe once every 3-4 weeks), he doesn't cuddle with me in bed, he doesn't sit beside me on the couch, or hold my hand in public. I just feel like I'm there to be his maid and pay for his food. We have tried the counseling and I have tried sitting him down and talking with him in a non-belittling way. I just don't know what else to do. Last time I posted a question on here about our relationship I got about an even amount of people that said leave him and others that said stay and go to counseling. I'm just seeing if me adding more information to my question if I can get a more one sided response so I know what to do.
Thanks for the answers. By the way, I don't have any "issues". He is an adult so he should clean up after himself and help pay for the food he consumes unless he wants to start paying for some of the other bills. We really had made progress in counseling but he has gone back to not helping out.
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You are wrong. You do not have to make the bed, start the dishwasher, or any of the other things you listed. Just stop. It will be only be hard for the first week or two. After you get used to it, you’ll see that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, and you’ll start feeling better about your marriage.
Additionally, stop buying him food. Yes, stop. Rather than paying $4 for chicken for two, pay $2 for chicken for you, and let him go hungry if he doesn’t want to buy himself anything.
In other words, stop behaving like a door mat, and then complaining about being treated like a door mat.
Demand he do his share of the household and love you or leave him alone for a few days and see what happens when he doesn’t have you to serve him.
If he doesn’t improve it’s time to leave him.
This can’t go on. You married him, with every warning in the book? Call and see about getting an annulment. Better 2 months than 20 years. He adds nothing to your life, but you are maid,butler and self supporting. Counseling doesn’t always work. He has not intention of changing and sadly, this is as good as it will ever get. Bail out and marry a grown up.
Since your young and have time, I would get out as fast as I could.Run don’t walk.He sounds like he wanted a mommie, not a wife and honey it’s not going to get any better.
Maybe you need some bluntness then. Counseling before marriage and calling off a marriage was a red flag this wasn’t good and then all you describe is what he does wrong and how he won’t "change". Did you think you could fix things to make them acceptable to you? So you ignored all the evidence before marriage and now…
It’s not about what he does. It’s about you. Are you seeking people to tell you how bad he is or do you want to know whether to divorce or not?
If you cannot accept him for who he is, then you cannot provide the right relationship either. So get out and be smarter and more alert the next time you evaluate a future life partner.
I do not do the things he does, but it is who he is and he does not conceal it, so who really has the issue here?
I think all the red flags were flying the moment you stopped the wedding to have counseling. There is something majorly wrong with this picture on SO MANY levels. One of the first things that popped out at me is what a slob he is. I have to agree with your counselor said…leave them sitting. I know that it is hard to do. Another option that maybe your counselor did not suggest is leave them sitting there, set a specific amount of time in your mind that you want him to clean it up in….ie; 3 days. If in that specific time frame he does not lift a finger, then it is time to go stay with a friend for a while. There is no reason why you should have to live with that filth if you are a clean person.
Now….About your finances…You will save a ton if you will combine your insurances. Insurance companies today of group discounts on two or more cars in a household. SO combine and save. It is okay that each of you have specific bills you pay, but i’ve always thought that when you get married it is no longer MY bills or HER bills….its OUR bills and we combine the income and pay OUR bills. Im not seeing that here with you two.
As far a the $4 chicken..spend $2 get your chicken and leave him standing there like the ass that he is. When you married him you didnt say you would be his momma or his babysitter. He is a grown man(even though he may not act like it) and it is time he is treated like one.
I would leave him sitting on his backside in that house ALONE!
If your husband is not motivated to change, then what else can you do? Leave and stop taking his childish behaviour. He needs to start taking responsibility as a husband, he sounds like he is playing a role of a son instead. You were the one who chose to marry him, this is the way he is and it sounds as if as long as you continue to pick up the slack he will continue to be this way. For one thing, the expenses should be 50/50. He is not behaving as a grown man should and it is no wonder you have a growing disrespect for him. People treat you the way you allow them to. If he refuses to compromise the only options you have is to stay and continue to complain or leave. Hopefully by leaving he will come to take you more seriously. Good luck hun!